Thinking is something I often do too much of. With fewer polar bears to attack my mental status I find I have more time to think. Ever since the 25th of last month my perspective on life has been more positive and going about my daily routine is less of a chore and more of a blessing. Of course there are aspects of my life and anxieties I wish I could rid myself of but we can’t build a bridge without setting a foundation.
What is it that I want in life? What is it that drives my actions, hell, why do I worry so much about such petty matters? When I can keep myself busy, be it school work, video games, reading, occasionally music or guitar, crossword puzzles, my mind focuses less on the irrational fears and illogical reasoning of the polar bears. I wonder if those hobbies are simply coping strategies that produce the numbing that I’m looking for or if they’re just part of who I am. Can they be both?
I think uncertainty and loneliness are my two greatest fears. My ability to deal with both has greatly improved over the past semester. There are so many minute details in life that you cannot control so I’ve relinquished my attempts to master them all. I’ve also noticed that people around me are starting to ask if I want to hang out with them. For the first time since high school – yes, a whole 4 years – I’m finally starting to feel like I belong again, like I have friends who genuinely care about me. No one can replace the friends back home, but that’s not the point, right? The goal was never to replace my friends, but rather to create new friendships. It feels wonderful to know that there are people out there who are at least willing to give me a chance in their circle of friends.
I still lack that confidant I once had though. A best friend to share everything with, someone who cares deeply about me… or at least pretends to. A parent can be an intimate friend but only to a certain extent; the boundary between companion and caretaker only overlaps so far. And a significant other? I’m still looking. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever find someone to be close with given how easily I’m annoyed by the smallest things in life. I know that you can’t love others until you love yourself, but I’ve begun to love myself yet I wonder how someone could love me. I see myself as cold and judgmental at times and it amazes me that I still have friends. I used to have many friends though, so there must be something about me that others can find enjoyable.
I am getting better at taking care of myself, appreciating my body and my unique personality, and accepting who I am. I only hope that I can continue in the right direction and that my thinking doesn’t bring more polar bears. Though their growls are still present, they’re much quieter and eventually they will cease to exist.
